Grief from loss of a loved one

Almost a year and a half ago, I lost my Father. He was a great Christian man, he always tried to do what was right. He would never hurt anyone on purpose. He helped others in need. He had integrity. He was a wonderful father. He was the kind of person I wish to be, but will never be able to be. He was just one of a kind.

He was diagnosed with a rapidly spreading cancer, and chemo was not even touching it. He had a major surgery to try to remove the tumor and lymph nodes. He suffered unexpected complications and became septic. Doctors could not get this horrible infection under control, and get him stable enough to perform surgery to repair damage. In a few weeks he was placed in hospice and that was it.

I am a Baptist Christian. Growing up, my parents had me in church every time the doors were open. I have not always continued this in my adult life. There were some difficult years off and on when I was not going to church, but my upbringing always brought me back.

While in hospice, my Dad had a last talk with me while he was still with it. The one thing he wanted me to do with my life was stay in church, and to make sure my husband did as well. I promised him. Well I have not done a good job of that.

At first I was angry with God. I don’t know if any of you have felt this way, but I thought, how could He let this happen to such a great man? How could you let him suffer, and take him so early in life? What was the point of living such a good life if you just have to go early and suffer in the end? And where did that leave us? Our rock is gone. The love of Mother’s life is gone. How could this happen?

The first few times I went to church, all I could think about was my Fathers empty seat in the pew, and picturing his casket at the front of the church. (We had the funeral service at our church) I stopped going for awhile because I could not stand it.

Over time, it has gotten better. There are days were something totally unexpected will make me think of him that just overwhelms me, and I just sit down and cry. The thing that helps most is that I know he would not want any of my family to be sad and hurting. I know that he does not hurt anymore, and has wonderful place in heaven. I know he watches over us, I’ve felt him and have seen signs that he is with me. ( I won’t get into that, because a lot of people don’t believe in that kind of thing, but I do) I’ve also come to believe that everyone leaves this earth when it is their time to go. I am copying this from a post I saw on Facebook:

Every minute someone leaves this world behind. We are all “in the line” without knowing it. We never know how many people are before us. We cannot move to the back of the line. We cannot stop out of the line. So while we wait in line…

Make moments count. Make priorities. Make the time. Make your gifts known. Make a nobody feel like a somebody. Make your voice heard. Make the small things big. Make someone smile. Make the change. Love!

Thankful and Grateful

The first thankful and grateful post is for my husband Jim! We have been together for ten years, and I love him more everyday!

I have made a lot of mistakes in my lifetime, as we all have, but a lot of mine had to do with picking the wrong men! I’ve been divorced, I’ve been in terrible relationships, all because I didn’t have the patience to wait for the right one.

When Jim and I started dating, my life changed forever! He is my best friend and sole mate. He gets me. He overlooks all my crazy when it sneaks out every once in awhile. He makes me homemade potato soup when I’m sick. He would rather buy me something I want, than buy things for himself. He’s not perfect, he has his flaws, but I certainly do also! We get on each other’s nerves at times, but that’s just married life. (If he doesn’t make you feel like you want to simultaneously kiss him and punch him in the throat, then he’s not the one!) Seriously, I thank God for him everyday. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

I am thankful for everything I have. When I was younger, I had a whole different attitude. Instead of being grateful for what I had, and acknowledging those less fortunate than me, I looked at myself like the unfortunate one. I only saw the people who had more than me, relationship wise, money wise, and material things. I was mad at the world at one point in my life because I was working three jobs and not getting anywhere. We don’t have a lot of fancy things, but we are happy with what we have. All our needs are met, we are able to pay our bills and have money aside for any emergencies, or if something breaks down, etc. that’s all I want. Well, we always want more, but I am very satisfied what what I have.

My point is, don’t get discouraged if you are in a low point in your life, if you haven’t found the right person, etc. The situation won’t last forever, and everything will line up and go your way when it’s supposed to happen. You just have to be patient, and pray for guidance along the way!

Remember, there is always someone that has it worse than you, and wishes they could live the life that you have!

Insomniac

Yes, I’m awake blogging at 3:30 am because I am a chronic insomniac. Probably tonight it’s from stressing about creating a blog, and feeling totally insecure about it. How many of you have a problem with worrying too much about what people think? I tend to have low self confidence, which is something I need to work on. Most of the time when we worry about what people think of us and what we are doing, we might be surprised to find they were not even thinking of us in the first place, so why worry? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Who inspires you?

Happy people inspire me! You all know a person that just feels like a breath of fresh air when they walk into a room! I would love to one day be that person for someone❤️

Who, or what, inspires you? Many things inspire me. Surrounding myself with positive people is on the top of my list. Beautiful photography, art, the beauty in nature, music. Above all that, I am inspired by my faith. I’m certainly not the perfect Christian, I’m far from it. I am also striving to get right with my faith, and get back in the groove of going to Church regularly. It will happen!

I would love to hear and see what inspires you!

About Me

My name is Joni, I’m a retired hairstylist from Texas. I am married, and a fur baby momma of four.

I wanted to tell you a little about myself, which is terrifying. I have wanted to do a blog for so long, but it is so hard to put yourself out there. People are so judgmental and mean, they can leave some crazy comments! I find myself, as a lot of us do, trying to live up to certain expectation of myself, to only show others what I want them to see. At home with my husband, I can be myself and lose my censor.

I used to be such an outgoing person, who loved to be outdoors and surrounded by people. Over the last few years, due to circumstances I will share later, I have become more introverted. It’s not a place I want to be in, and my attitude about a lot of things sucks, which is a lot of what made me go ahead with the blog. If I can only help one person, it will be worth it. I’m hoping it helps me as well.

I want this to be a fun and relaxing project for me, so my blog will not be perfect. My paragraphs my not be in the places they should be, and I’m not worried about my style of writing, I’m just going to do it. So if you are critiquing this like an English teacher, it’s probably not for you, because it will drive you crazy.🤪 I Also love to use emojis. They annoy some people…well they make me happy! And no I don’t know exactly what all of them mean, so I use one that means something dirty, I’m not meaning it in that context. I’m 49, so I only occasionally google the urban dictionary and other sites where older people are able learn millennial code.

Also, if you are wanting to read a Mommy blog, this one is not for you either. I’m married, my husband has a child who is now grown, but I have never had my own children. I’m one of those people who go to baby showers feeling totally awkward, and don’t know what’s going on with half of the baby presents. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies! I just can’t relate to it all.

I will get into each of these topics later, but I want to tell you why I should be positive, optimistic and grateful. I was born prematurely, and should not have lived through the night. I had a heart condition that presented itself in the early 90’s, which I had surgery for, called Wolf-Parkinson-White syndrome. Due to passing out during one of my episodes, a head injury causing me to have seizures and migraines, and I believe it caused the begging of my depression and anxiety that I deal with. In 2007 I was diagnosed with 4th stage colorectal cancer, and was only supposed to live a few months. I have survived all of this, so there must be some reason I am supposed to still be on this earth! I have a purpose, and I am not going to discover it unless I go out there and find it!

I had extensive surgery, to try to remove the cancer from all the organs where it had metastasized. Like I said, I will address these later, but I have a lot of side effects and medical issues that have never gone away. It really gets to you when you deal with chronic pain or illness. It is very hard to keep a positive attitude everyday. It is easy for you to feel sorry for yourself, and cause you to be less active. I believe it is all in God’s hands, but your mind is such a powerful thing! I have found in so many circumstances, it really is mind over matter!

I am researching, for myself as well as others, ways for people like myself to get it together. To be healthy, happy, positive, pain-free, self confident, and awareness of others, and how I can help them improve their life as well.

On a different note, I also have issues with self esteem and body image. I have days that I just think I’m fat, look ugly, I’m not smart enough, I have anxiety, I can’t do anything right, blah blah blah. Enough of that! I’m on a journey to loving myself exactly as I am, I am beautiful in my own way, I am awesome just the way God made me. That is the goal!

Thank you for stopping by and taking time to read my blog!